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July 22, 2006

Are you on the outside looking in? Don't be...

Dear friends and subscribers,

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-John Alanis
"The King of Let 'em Come to You"

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Posted by john at 04:55 PM

Can the "naughty boy" backfire?

Hey guys,

I got a really interested question from one of my readers over the weekend, and he brings up a very good point: can "naughty boy" behavior actually backfire and create "anti-attraction?"

The answer is both yes, and no, but not quite for the reasons he brings up. Here's his question, and then my answer and comments

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What up, King...

I manage a movie theater and I observe people interacting with each other everyday. I noticed a family and the way an older brother and a younger sister interacted with each other, and I got to thinking about what I saw.

Now through out the time a girl is growing up that has an older brother, she is subject to a lot of teasing, much of it being similar to how a "naughty boy" would act (I was an only child so I only speak only from observance).

I would think that if she encounters this behavior from some other guy trying to create attraction, that she would relate that to her brother, and think of him "as a brother", therefore destroying any attraction that should have been created.

I want to know your opinion on this. I'm not a firm believer that this is true; it's just a theory that might be total BS, but I want knowledgeable answer, and from all I've read from you, you are very knowledgeable.

Thanks for your time,

-Matt

JA: Matt, this is a great question, and brings up several good points. What you're asking, in general is, can behavior on the part of a guy evoke certain memories and behaviors by firing off anchors. The answer is yes it can, but usually not in the way you describe it. If for example, you bring a woman a rose, something her abusive ex-husband used to do, it can absolutely kill the attraction dead by firing off the anchor and associating her past memories with you.

It works in reverse too--if there's a particular scent, place, or memory she has associated with powerful attraction, you can simply evoke that and link that attraction to you. I've had instances where a woman told me about a time when she went to a particular place, had a particular drink, and then had a wild night. Obviously I suggested we go to that place, she have that drink, and the "wild night" repeated itself.

As far as the "naughty boy" goes, yes it can be done to the point where it creates anti-attraction. Whether this has anything to do with evoking memories of a brother, I can't say for sure, but the answer I am about to give you encompasses that scenario.

The biggest mistake most guys make when being the "naughty boy" is, that's all they are. And while it will create initial attraction, that attraction will wear off if you don't present other sides of you. Here's the critical distinction: women do NOT want a "naughty boy," they want a MAN with a naughty boy side.

That means you have other sides you display in addition to the naughty boy, so that you come across as unpredictable and intriguing. The interesting point you bring up is, most brothers are ONLY naughty and mean to their sisters, and never display the sides of themselves they would to other women.

So, getting pigeonholed as a bratty brother is actually a great way to think about the whole naughty boy thing, because it forces you to keep in mind that you have to continuously display different sides of yourself, or risk getting put into one category.

You want to DEFY categories with women, not be put into one (unless you choose to do so).

Thanks for the great question, Matt. Oh, and as the manager of a movie theatre, you are in a perfect position to define authority with women because you control access to "glamorous entertainment." Whether you actually do or not is irrelevant because they perceive you do, and confer that authority to you. And where there's authority and limited access, there's lots of fun...!

On with the fun....


-John Alanis
"The King of Let 'em Come to You"

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Posted by john at 10:48 AM